Infatuation (limerence, as it were) has hijacked my brain. I am at the mercy of neurosecretions. I sustain dopamine hit upon dopamine hit, not to mention the fact that I’m swimming in oxytocin and vasopressin. The increase in dopamine also means a reduction in serotonin, which produces the ideal setting for obsessions to arise, hence my endless ramblings about Mr. Right Now. Mea culpa, my friends. This brainstorm is happening and I’m managing it only half decently.
Outlining worries is helpful. But I figure I should also outline the things about him that make me want to keep going in deeper into this new wilderness.
Observation #1: Emotionally, he appears to be a grown up. Last Thursday, when I got triggered by him not asking me about something that mattered, I asked to have some space to gather myself emotionally that evening. I said I wouldn’t text. His response: “Take care of yourself. Good night, and I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” I was not ready to tell him about the triggering interaction (which would have seemed neutral to everyone, but because of my particular interpersonal history and how emotionally overwrought I was, ended up being triggering). I appreciated his response and enjoyed some brain rest that night.
Observation #2: He is not rushing/pressuring himself or me about what’s happening between us. He is taking me out on my birthday tomorrow and sounds so excited about it. When I said I was looking forward to it, but was feeling nervous, he responded in such a lovely way. I specifically said that the nervousness was coming from the desire/fear of getting closer to him. He reminded me that all that’s happening right now is two people getting to know each other and laughing a lot. I’ve been telling myself that, but it was reassuring to hear it from me.
Observation #3: He has a past and he owns it. He’s already talked to me about his marriage ending, his friendships, his family relationships, his worse moments and his best ones. He shares openly. And he does ask me questions and listens, but we’ll have to see how I feel this is going as we progress.
Observation #4: From everything I’ve seen, he has a good sense of boundaries. He wants me to come to his house, but agreed that we should see each other in a public place again first. He talks to me at work, but remains’ office appropriate’ in his interactions. He won’t stand for me apologizing for things I don’t need to apologize for. He takes responsibility for his own choices. He has been affectionate in his communications with me, but has also showed some appropriate, respectful restraint. He called me ‘darling’ in a text recently, which probably pushed me over the edge. For some reason, this banal term of endearment goes straight to my heart.
Observation #5: There is limitless ease in our interactions. It’s like we speak the same language, even though we are from different backgrounds. We make each other laugh. We like to talk about everything. His gaze looks right through me.
Oh shit. I’m in trouble, right?