There will come a day, apparently, when you find someone who cherishes you in a way you did not think you could possibly be cherished in this lifetime. This day will come, to thrill you, to scare you, to remind you that there is more to life than what you could foresee.
But what about the fact that he has such a full life and you have such a full life, and you are a MOTHER for goodness sake, you don’t have time for all this adult business. And relationships all come to an end, and you get so fucking hurt, even when the partner you have chosen is a good man, like Soybean was/is.
There will come a day when your fear, no matter how large it feels, cannot hold a candle to the courage building inside you to walk forward and meet the other person. On this day, fear can no longer pretend to be a good leader: its voice will shrink; its incessant urging will seem trivial; its truth will look like lies.
OMG, what am I doing? There are still so many unknowns about this man. Is that me agreeing to stay over, to make love with him, and to enjoy it so very much? What if I regret this in the morning? What if I change my mind about him? What if….
There will come a day when you realize you are a grown woman who has come to understand and integrate her past, who knows who she is, and who likes herself (enough). And with this understanding and appreciation, you will be able to hear the other admire, appreciate, and be filled with wonder about you. You’ll accept that this is possible, and more than that, that it is happening.
Do I have the right to all this pleasure? This is so hard. Am I really here? Oh shit, this is happening again. I’m in a situation that’s wonderful but I’m checking out because it overwhelms me. Breathe, Augusta, just breathe and be here. Try to be here right now.
There will come a day when you show up at his house, and he’ll have planned the most amazing evening and made the most delicious supper. He will have paid attention to all sorts of little things you forgot you even mentioned to him. He will remember how much you like stars and he will set a Chinese lantern aglow into the night. He will kiss you in the middle of a thought you were having out loud until you forget what you were saying. He will tell you things he’s afraid to tell you. He will make you feel cherished in a way you did not think you could possibly be cherished in this lifetime. Your courage won’t be needed for long; you can just watch it dissolve into trust.